Originally posted in June 2012 on a site that no longer exists.
tour·ist [toor-ist]
noun
- a person who is traveling, especially for pleasure.
Examples of TOURIST
- This drinking establishment attracts a lot of soccer tourists.
- In the summer the town is filled with soccer tourists.
So, if you’ve somehow stumbled upon this blog because you’re looking for a great place to watch a soccer game in Europe, North or South America, or Asia, you’ve come to the, erm, wrong place. If that’s what you’re looking for, I suggest trying this. No, what this post is about is (and everyone knows/is related to/works with one (and if you are one, well, you may not like yourself very much at the end of this post)), people would purport to know about soccer, when they truly know very little (and yes, I did just use a bracket inside of another bracket).
So that German dude you work with, that never mentions soccer except for during the World Cup or Euro Cup? You know him; he wears his jersey on game days, and knows, uhm, none of the players. Him, yeah, he’s a soccer tourist.
Or that Portuguese girl you know, that for some reason wears yellow and blue every four years. Yes, she’s a soccer tourist.
So here goes, a partial list of soccer tourists:
You’re a soccer tourist if you’re an Italian/Greek/Portuguese/Brazilian/German that floods College/Danforth/Dundas/Dundas/The Musket after a group stage win. Act like you’ve won a tournament before…. Well, except for the Portuguese.
You’re a soccer tourist if you picked Messi in the @euro2012pool (yes, that was a shameless plug, and yes, this actually happened).
You’re a soccer tourist if you think all Italians go to Café Dip to watch soccer games. In fact, they only let you in if you’re wearing 3 articles of Puma clothing, one of which must be in azzurro. (Note: if you’re watching a game at Café Dip, you’re also a soccer tourist). (Blog Writers Note: This does not apply to you if you’re at Café Dip because you actually just work down the street)
If your “team” is playing a game, and you’re proudly flying a stupid window flag in your window on your way to Wal-Mart to pick up toilet paper, you’re a friggin’ soccer tourist (Also, if you open your window on the highway and lose your flag, you’re an idiot).
If your favourite soccer team is Barcalona/Juventus/ManU/Bayern/Benfica and your second favourite team is Real Madrid/Inter/Chelsea/Dortmund/Sporting… Guess what? You’re a soccer tourist.
You’re a soccer tourist if when Ireland plays, you visit an Irish pub and get drunk on green beer, just because all the Irish are drunk drinking.
If, when the Poland is playing, you’re eating perogies on Roncesvalles…..You got it…You’re a soccer tourist.
If you own an Argentina, Brazil, and Italy #10 jersey (I know a guy, seriously), then you’re a soccer tourist.
If during the World Cup and Euro, you and your clubbing buddies decide to go to the local soccer field on a Friday night to “play, bro”, pounding “live-to-air” beats in your Civic, while kicking a ball around in your Puma casual runners and Diesel jeans…. Bro… you’re a douche bag soccer tourist.
Like I said, here’s my partial list…. Got some of your own??? Leave a comment, or hit me up on Twitter.
